Enough of my background for the moment, just a quick skim through the early years, but on to the rest of that story at a later date…

The issue I find that has changed my life recently is acceptance.

What is Depression? You can’t see it, you can’t taste it, you can only feel it, and that’s if you trust what you feel – which if you are Depressed, is an extremely difficult thing to do. When I was diagnosed earlier this year, I actually went to the Doctor to ask how I could help someone else very close to me, and ended up breaking down at which point the Doctor told me that I needed to help myself. I couldn’t see the point in that because I was hell bent on blaming my situation on circumstance, life occurrences, and how other people were treating me. If these things were to change then of course I would feel so much better! It seemed so simple. I was prescribed an SSRI Citalopram on a low dose to help me through my situation, and I went away feeling happy.

Surely enough my circumstances did indeed get better, and I took myself off the medication. Life was good for a while, however I still had an uneasy feeling something wasn’t quite right… A door had been opened in my mind, a realisation, a number of things had dropped into place, and it wasn’t going away. But I’m stubborn. Always have been, and always very good at convincing myself of ideas and attitudes. So I put it by as a glitch which had passed.

But once realisation has occurred, you cannot ignore what you have briefly glimpsed… It’s there, in the back of your psyche, demanding attention. As time went on, life got more and more difficult, situations I used to use to distract myself from Depressive episodes just didn’t work anymore, I couldn’t convince myself I was normal, everything was wrong – I was wrong. Work life began crashing in on me, personal life, social life, everything became a huge mountain to climb until one day, I hit the wall. I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t even use my beloved Twitter. I retreated into myself and could no longer carry on as the person I thought I was. The mask had slipped and fallen out of reach.

So I found myself back at the Doctors. Prescribed a different medication, an SNRI Duloxetine, I was back where I’d started. The same reality facing me, this was not a ‘normal’ way to be.

The debate over what is ‘normal’ rages on still – something I’m sure I’ll discuss at some point as one of my favourite topics to mull over… After much difficulty with side effects, I’m now comfortably on the meds and thinking more clearly than I have for a long time – with a great urge to express myself creatively – again, this is another topic I want to explore, do Mental Health Issues have a proclivity for creativity? I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been called ‘eccentric’, ‘flamboyant’ or ‘artistic temperament’. As a Composer and Musician, do I perform and write better when feeling intense emotions? The answer is undeniably yes!

So it is this I’m attempting to fulfil now, to help my mind to heal, to alleviate some of these ideas and thoughts which fly around my head on a continual basis, and perhaps to allow a small peek into the mind of a Depressive. I know it’s not an illness from which I will ever be cured, however I can live with this as many many others do, and perhaps even use it to my advantage.