Distraction works both ways for me. It can either help me avoid a low, or it can stop me functioning normally full stop. Depends if i’m aware of my distraction and whether I can be strong enough to stop it. It occurred to me today that I was TOTALLY distracted, which doesn’t help when i’m trying to get work done! I’ve worked damned hard this week, and well, i’m exhausted, so the will to fight the distraction is rather small at the moment. Distraction has the danger of becoming prevarication. And well, I am THE WORLD CHAMPION of prevarication. Hence this blog post. An attempt to consolidate my thoughts and banish the distraction. So I apologise now if this is a bit rambling, but, as ever, I need to get my thoughts out in order to organise them and pop them back in to the relevant areas. Like an essay plan if you will.

I think my distraction may come from a number of sources. I’m seeing my parents this weekend (I miss them terribly, however fleeting my vists, I always wish they were longer…), then there’s a concert on Monday night, then next week there are so many rehearsals for so many different things I’m having trouble keeping track (trusty filofax – how would I cope without you?) and then of course there’s work, and my interview for the volunteering… Yes, I suppose I do do a lot with my time, but then, when this series of concerts is over, there’ll be a lull.

So – i’m getting distracted over my planned distractions? I’ve ALWAYS been busy – maybe it’s been a subconscious thing before, and then when my ‘breakdown’ hit, everyone was saying ‘you do too much’ ‘you should have more you time’ and so on. BUT – it’s only been recent years i’ve hit the lows and not coped, so was I really doing too much? I don’t think so. Again, it’s people assuming that the mental issue is down to something, rather than it just being my make up. Yes – i’ll concede that the breakdown was due to a LOT of emotionally crippling issues, but my busy lifestyle helps me. In fact, when I was going through my ‘realisation and acceptance’ stages, I was happy to believe that my busy lifestyle was my issue – blame something else. But the more I ramped down my activites, the lower I became.

Essentially, my busy lifestyle is my way of coping and monitoring my bad thoughts. Having many different friends from different perspectives and walks of life gives me access to many different views on life. My cycling thoughts, persistent and nagging in my head can be controlled by new thoughts and experiences – new music, new people – new situations. But i’ve been out of the loop a while. It scared me to jump back into it again, and that’s where my distraction stems from this time… A little anxiety, rumbling away – can I jump back onto that merry-go-round without falling off in a crumpled heap? Maybe I was wrong, and all those people were right before – I was doing too much?

I can only go with my instincts and years of experience in handling ‘me’, and over the past few weeks, performing again and singing, and doing more and interacting more has made me so much happier. Next week is going to be interesting – an experience, by Sunday next week, i’ll know if I was right.