Well it’s three days into my mad week. And boy is it a MAD WEEK. Weekend away was lovely, with many new revelations, all helping me to come to terms with my new thought processes, strangely lifting my mood even more, and more of a calm settling over me. Decisions made, none regretted (well I hope not, I actually feel to be doing the right thing for once…) and wonderfully, everywhere I look at the moment seems to be happy faces smiling at me, cuddles proffered and understanding. Not ‘sympathy’ or ‘poor girl’ but actually ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘you’re an inspiration’. Things I never expected to hear – especially not in connection with me just being me and embracing my brain for what it is.

As discussed in ‘Distraction’ i’m currently holding tight to the merry-go-round, back at work today, and the prospect of the Volutneering interview later and then perhaps a rehearsal. Thing is the music I know well for tonight’s rehearsal, and my voice is suffering a tad from last night’s concert and the stupidly late return (3am… 3AM UGH!) so – is it actually going to be a benefit to go to tonights’ rehearsal? Am I actually going to be any use to anyone? Way i’m feeling right now, the answer is a resounding no. Plus, my throat feels rough, and I have ANOTHER concert on Saturday – best to safeguard for Thursday’s rehearsal and then the concert I think. Today’s obstacle? Dealing with the guilt that I’m letting someone down by not attending tonight even though to do so would be detrimental to me physically and mentally. Sounds like an easy straightforward decision doesn’t it? Strange it doesn’t feel that way.

On the medication front i’ve just had a repeat prescription for another two months of Duloxetine (Cymbalta) because it’s working well. It suits me. Definitely never an outcome I expected at the start. There’s an element of appetite suppressant which helps with my weight, and the continuing avoidance of alcohol is a nice novelty, something I’m actually enjoying. I’ve already organised a night out down our local with a few friends – some of which are also non-alcohol drinkers, so I’m quite interested to see how I get on. Sounds daft, but alcohol is a cushion, was a comfort to jangling social nerves, quietening the paranoia of ‘do my friends like me? Are they really just being nice and putting up with noisy ol’ me?’ But I feel I can do it, and what’s more, I’m looking forward to it. Plus I can drive there and back and it’ll be a darned sight cheaper! More money for shoes!

So – time to go and get a strong coffee I think, despite my intolerance to tannin, I think on this ocassion the stomach ache is worth putting up with for the caffeine benefits… and then maybe followed by a full fat coke for sugar rush and stomach settling… Unfortunately I have some complicated stuff to deal with today so I need to be as alert as I can. Medication drowsiness doesn’t help either, but I made my choices, so I’m going to stop whining now. The quality of my life without my distractions would be unbearable so a couple of tiring days won’t hurt every now and then!