I’ve been speaking with a good friend of mine this morning who is suffering horifically with her depression at the moment, and I’m reminded of how lucky I am to be in such a good place mentally for fighting this. I have so much support from friends and family, and I still find that it can be very very difficult at times – the thought of being without the support I have and the wonderful understanding that is offered to me without question is such a sobering thought.

I’m lucky i’ve found a medication that works for me, I’m lucky i’ve found an outlet that works for my thought processes, i’m incredibly lucky with my family and friends. That’s a huge amount of luck for one person and i’ll never stop being grateful for that. What i’ve found is that you have to keep trying, never give up – get some stubborn fight from somewhere within and keep trying. Although I am stubborn by nature, I am also quite weak in other ways, I cannot say how often I have just ‘given up’ on things because I can’t fight any more. And it’s a constant battle not to give up on difficult situations when they arise. I have many deep seated irrational fears and paranoia which I keep under control most days – even with my sociable ‘happy’ mask, I often just want to run and hide and just stay out of view.

Trying, continuing, standing firm, not running is a part of every day life for me. Fear of hurting those around me by a glib comment, through doing something I want to do, or even in irrational moments, just by speaking to someone… I can understand how sometimes it really is just easier and less painful to let it all pass by. But as i’ve said this morning and will continue to say – isn’t the high of enjoyment of life worth the struggle? Feeling fulfilled and happy? Feeling lucky? There is only one person you’re 100% truly responsible for and 100% truly answerable to and that’s yourself. However uncomfortably selfish that feels – if you’re ever to really help someone else, you have to help yourself, heal yourself and understand yourself first.