Living with someone, having a relationship – it’s difficult enough anyway isn’t it? Loving someone is difficult, it’s so easy to vent your frustrations on those closest to you, the ones you can tell everything to no matter how hard a situation seems. Having Depression makes it very difficult for those living with you, your dark times worrying them, not understanding or knowing what’s coming next. For me, that’s a double whammy. I’m Depressed, and so is my partner. Problem is, he has tried to get to grips with it and thinks he’s ok now. He’s not.

I’ve accepted my lot, and learned to make it work for me. It’s difficult, but manageable. What makes it painful is seeing my partner suffer. He goes through periods of good times, we laugh, enjoy each other’s company, have a good relationship, one many are very jealous of. And then, there’s extremely low times, he lashes out emotionally, even with my understanding of Depression and how it can be, these times are extremely hard for me. I feel like i’m on constant damage limitation. Other than feeling like a naughty schoolgirl who can do no right, I feel I have to apologise to others who lie in his path of destruction, pacify those who are worried about him, and then try to manage him too. I know he’s hurting deep down. I know he doesn’t want to be like this, he tells me over and over he doesn’t. But it doesn’t stop me hurting deeply too.

It’s never so difficult to control your own dark thoughts, you can recognise one forming and deal with it, but when it’s someone elses dark thought about you, someone you love deeply, someone whose opinion you value… How can you dismiss that? I almost have to put myself into role of ‘counsellor’ and as i’m not qualified in the slightest how can I trust I’m believing the right thing? Maybe he is right?

I write this this morning coming from a place of sadness, his emotional lashing out is always based around something silly, something small that really doesn’t matter. We never have rows over big things, our relationship is strong on that front, where things really matter, we believe the same things, respect each other’s opinions, but this time it was over setting an alarm for 0530am. Really silly and totally trivial. As you know, i’m stubborn, if i believe I’m right I don’t see why I should back down and turn myself into a doormat. And I am no doormat.

So how do you deal with someone who is depressed who won’t admit it or is struggling to deal with it? Especially when you yourself are fighting the black dog? With difficulty. Great difficulty. Try to rationalise that the person lashing out is one of desperation, not the person you fell in love with, not the person they want to be. Someone truly Depressed will try everything possible to push you away and to isolate themselves.

Remember what it was like yourself before you managed to climb to a better place, and never forget – Love is the strongest bond you can have. Words uttered in frustration and despair can never break that.