Today I am dizzy, in every sense of the word. Physically the med withdrawals are just making my head spin round and round and round, and well, lots of thoughts are doing the same thing clanking around in my skull. Good intentions. Why is it my good intentions are always taken out of context? Why should it be my problem that other people think I have a motive for doing something good for them? Why should I suffer because others can’t believe I’d do something because I actually want to?

Maybe when I start my volunteering it’ll provide a good vent for this ‘wanting to be nice to people’ and then I can just become cynical like others I encounter in my everyday life and save my ‘giving’ side to those who truly want it. I just feel really sad that people can’t accept others being nice without suspicion and distrust. What a sad world that we live in if that’s the case? I usually fight through this feeling and plough on regardless, but it seems my ‘happy gestures’ just seem to upset those close to me, and well, how can I fight the opinions of those I respect?

I can’t. So. How can I be optimistic and cynical? Is it even possible? Will it wear off after a few days? Perhaps it will. Is it just my meds withdrawal speaking? Who knows. All I do know is the medication has never stopped me wanting to do nice things for friends, so being drugged up to the eyeballs or completely drug free, this is who I am. Does being who I am hurt people? Seems that way. How do I live with that? Not sure, but it seems I’m going to have to find a way.