Archive for January, 2011

Do I believe in Fate? I’m not sure. I used to, I used to pin a lot of explanations on ‘oh it was fate’ or ‘serendipity’ or whatever you wish to call it. But do we reasonably expect that there’s some higher being or higher something really bothered about whether we eat the pasta or the pizza on a Tuesday night that might or might not give us food poisoning? Thing is, people only ever liken something to ‘Fate’ if it’s a good thing, or if people are feeling particularly mean, karma or ‘what goes around comes around’ if it’s something horrible. I don’t see anyone saying people dying senselessly is ‘Fate’. So why am I preoccupied with this notion this morning. I think it’s the whole redundancy issue. I may lose my job.

I’ve heard many others describe the whole process as ‘oh well I’ll let Fate decide’. Nice. Anyone ever heard of fighting or evaluating a situation? I for one take the fighting option. Dangerous? Possibly so, but how do you know unless you try? We’ve been asked to put forward our views and thoughts on the situation, so should I be lambasted for fighting my corner? I think not. Personally, if the situation were reversed, I would be more disappointed in those who just sit there and let everyone else do the work for them, and let Fate decide. We make our own fate, and we then deal with whatever comes our way. I used to believe somewhat in psychic abilities, and moreso in a God of some sort –since I’ve started thinking logically, and stopped clutching at straws, I now realise that these things can be explained using science. Maybe science we don’t yet understand, but why should something be mystical just because we don’t understand it? Victorians would have probably thought mobile phones were the devil’s work. We know different, although saying that, you could probably still argue that point if you so wished –just from a philosophical rather than technical point of view…

Why am I feeling this way? I’m struggling, that’s the truth. I’m trying very hard to push down the panic right now –I simply cannot afford to lose my job –it’s a scary prospect. Yes, I know others are in the same position, but I simply can’t consider that at the moment. I’m trying to help the best I can, but who am I responsible for? My family, myself. There are times when you must be selfish. For the sake of yourself and those who depend on you. There’s not a great deal I can do about the whole process, it’s riding the wave of stress and disarray and upset from colleagues in my office, it’s doing what I can to get my opinions heard, for me, lying down and taking it is not an option. A little over two weeks and I’ll know either way. Hopeful? Well, yes, there’s a 75% chance I’ll stay, which is very good odds, however how will I feel should I be that 25%? This worries me. I’ve been made redundant twice before in my life, and the last time, although it was a company insolvency did knock my confidence somewhat. It caused my re-training to what I do now, (fate can I hear someone uttering?) but, do I really have the fight to pick myself up and carry on from there if it happens a 3 rd time?

Maybe that’s the point at which I just go with the flow… Worries like that are pointless, I know that. I just need to continue to fight and deal with everyday life as it is. My OH needs me right now, I fear he may be relapsing, but he’s much more communicative than the last times –I’m hopeful we can work through this together and he has already made an appointment for the Doctor –which is a MUCH better sign than the last times. He’s listening to me, he’s believing me, this gives me strength that both of us can get through this dark patch –2011 is definitely going to be better than 2010.

It’s the New Year. A time of mixed emotions for many, and over the last few days, it appears a time of sadness, loss and dread. I find this so strange to understand –surely ‘New Year’ is precisely that? A time of new starts, new beginnings, a new outlook on a new challenge? I find this time of year to be quite uplifting, a new chance at something that you might have been plugging away at last year unsuccessfully, just that little thing that was eluding you is finally within your grasp. I have the feeling this year is going to be a good one for me, I mean, last year was not so great. There was too much expectation, too many hopes pinned on too few reasons to be hopeful -whilst I can be an incredible optimist, I need also to be realistic and I find that challenging sometimes.

Last year I found myself looking for many things. Looking for ideas, answers, trying to find my path to who I am… Whilst I probably will never 100% know who I am, I’ve learned a hell of a lot more about myself on the journey… Two breakdowns, a revelation, Twitter, online forae and a Blog later, I feel rather strange sitting and thinking back to the heartache I went through to get here. But I’m a strong believer in experience is the only way to learn, and well, I am so very well known for always learning the hard way

So new challenges for me this year. Not to be so hard on myself. I am only human after all –and well, not to be so hard on others too. If I am only human then so are they! Begin the community volunteering. This is a big challenge for me –and the strangest thing about the volunteering is that the person I shall be visiting is the advert that I saw from the flyer that was posted through my door in the first instance. A coincidence? Of course, but little nudges in the right direction can also give you that sense of ‘serendipity’ –something that may not actually be divine in origin, but if what you see and think turns out to occur, then perhaps you’re thinking in the correct way after all. Intuition if you will. And on top of all of this? I intend to be kinder to my body. I am a rather forgetful health freak… I know what I should do to be super healthy, what I should eat, the exercise I should do –but I just don’t do it. Which is strange really because I enjoy getting out and going for walks and exercising and experiencing nature. I use the same excuses we all do ‘I’m tired from working’ or ‘I just don’t have the time’ or whatever, but I’m going to try and kick those age old pleas and treat myself to nice long walks in the fabulous countryside around where I live. Beaches, hills, mountains… Why not? It may even inspire me more to my arts.

New. New is not bad, it’s not time for regret of that lost, it’s time to celebrate the excitement of what can and will be. January isn’t a bad month, it’s a month for planning, reviewing and starting the way you mean to go on.

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