Do I believe in Fate? I’m not sure. I used to, I used to pin a lot of explanations on ‘oh it was fate’ or ‘serendipity’ or whatever you wish to call it. But do we reasonably expect that there’s some higher being or higher something really bothered about whether we eat the pasta or the pizza on a Tuesday night that might or might not give us food poisoning? Thing is, people only ever liken something to ‘Fate’ if it’s a good thing, or if people are feeling particularly mean, karma or ‘what goes around comes around’ if it’s something horrible. I don’t see anyone saying people dying senselessly is ‘Fate’. So why am I preoccupied with this notion this morning. I think it’s the whole redundancy issue. I may lose my job.

I’ve heard many others describe the whole process as ‘oh well I’ll let Fate decide’. Nice. Anyone ever heard of fighting or evaluating a situation? I for one take the fighting option. Dangerous? Possibly so, but how do you know unless you try? We’ve been asked to put forward our views and thoughts on the situation, so should I be lambasted for fighting my corner? I think not. Personally, if the situation were reversed, I would be more disappointed in those who just sit there and let everyone else do the work for them, and let Fate decide. We make our own fate, and we then deal with whatever comes our way. I used to believe somewhat in psychic abilities, and moreso in a God of some sort –since I’ve started thinking logically, and stopped clutching at straws, I now realise that these things can be explained using science. Maybe science we don’t yet understand, but why should something be mystical just because we don’t understand it? Victorians would have probably thought mobile phones were the devil’s work. We know different, although saying that, you could probably still argue that point if you so wished –just from a philosophical rather than technical point of view…

Why am I feeling this way? I’m struggling, that’s the truth. I’m trying very hard to push down the panic right now –I simply cannot afford to lose my job –it’s a scary prospect. Yes, I know others are in the same position, but I simply can’t consider that at the moment. I’m trying to help the best I can, but who am I responsible for? My family, myself. There are times when you must be selfish. For the sake of yourself and those who depend on you. There’s not a great deal I can do about the whole process, it’s riding the wave of stress and disarray and upset from colleagues in my office, it’s doing what I can to get my opinions heard, for me, lying down and taking it is not an option. A little over two weeks and I’ll know either way. Hopeful? Well, yes, there’s a 75% chance I’ll stay, which is very good odds, however how will I feel should I be that 25%? This worries me. I’ve been made redundant twice before in my life, and the last time, although it was a company insolvency did knock my confidence somewhat. It caused my re-training to what I do now, (fate can I hear someone uttering?) but, do I really have the fight to pick myself up and carry on from there if it happens a 3 rd time?

Maybe that’s the point at which I just go with the flow… Worries like that are pointless, I know that. I just need to continue to fight and deal with everyday life as it is. My OH needs me right now, I fear he may be relapsing, but he’s much more communicative than the last times –I’m hopeful we can work through this together and he has already made an appointment for the Doctor –which is a MUCH better sign than the last times. He’s listening to me, he’s believing me, this gives me strength that both of us can get through this dark patch –2011 is definitely going to be better than 2010.