When is Depression not Depression? When it quacks like a horse. What exactly do I mean? Well… Perhaps I should have noticed something odd when I named my blog. The Depressed Optimist. This is a little strange apparently. Depressives tend not to be Optimists. This I knew. So what is a Depressed Optimist? The last few weeks, I have been riding intense highs, and then crashing to deep lows, frustrated, not feeling right. Something was not right. Before Christmas, when I started this blog, my second ‘episode’ last year, I was put on tablets. I documented how they made me feel – happy, confident, conquer the world… Apparently they shouldn’t have done that.
So. Last week, I went back to my GP. The weeks before I had had a terrible time of it, making my partner’s life hell, I have no idea how he ever put up with me, especially during that period. I told him I didn’t feel right, explained my thoughts my feelings, everything. He asked some strange questions, which, I’ve researched since… and it appears, I may be Bipolar. Having a diagnosis is going to be a long and tough road. Will I ever know why I’m not normal? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been so called normal in my life, and I like it that way. There’s nothing worse than looking at everyone else looking bored and miserable when I can entertain myself no end with the crazy thoughts whizzing around my head. Problem is, they’re causing issues. They’re making me  lash out at those closest to me out of frustration, day-dreaming at work, my concentration is shot, it’s affecting my life. As much as being creative helps me, and is a wonderful outlet, I cannot rely on that all the time… It just isn’t practical, so I need to learn how to control this.
My GP took blood tests to check that there isn’t anything physically wrong with me, which there isn’t, and then I filled in a number of ‘evaluation’ forms. To which I scored very highly on all of them. He suggested I go on medication again, but I insisted that I wanted counselling – so, I have now been referred and waiting for the phone call. Could take up to 6 weeks apparently, but… I know I need this. I work in an industry where I need to be strong, firm, in control – I can’t convince a Client to leave lots of money in my care if I appear to be a gibbering flighty wreck… I have coped with this since my teenage years, so I know it is manageable. I’ve identified it happens every 5 – 7 years. I’m finding it hard at the moment to focus, hence why I’ve neglected this blog somewhat… but, it’s got me to understand this much about myself so far… it’s beneficial to carry on. 
Depressed. Bipolar. It’s all labels and tags – I’m no different to who I was before, the only thing that’s changed? How I understand myself – and more importantly, knowing how to cope with this.